Posted by Short and Long Dirty Jokes for Adults
What is better than a funny dirty joke? Undoubtedly, it’s a rib-tickling joke infused with suggestive innuendos and risqué humor. And behold, for we have a splendid assortment of uproarious dirty jokes to offer you.
From cheeky jests centered around intimacy to edgy bathroom humor, your quest for amusement need not extend any further.
We are frequently advised not to approach life with excessive seriousness. After all, life can be likened to a colossal jest with a touch of impropriety. Speaking of risqué humor, we possess an unparalleled collection of the most indecent, provocative, and unequivocally NSFW jokes for your amusement.
This particular phrase garners over 200,000 searches on Google, and we felt compelled to contribute our own selection of cheeky jokes to the mix.
We dare you to refrain from laughter as you share these jests with your trusted companions. Be sure to disclose them only to those who possess an appreciation for such irreverent humor.
See also; Freaky sex questions to ask.
Short dirty jokes for adults only
1 What’s still together after all the sh*t they’ve been through? Your butt cheeks.
2. What’s the best thing about gardening? Getting down and dirty with your hoes
3. What has 148 teeth and holding back a monster? My zipper.
4. Want to know how to fit 71 people in the car? 2 in the front while we handle 69 in the back.
5. What comes after 69? Mouthwash.
6. What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A hooker could wash her crack and resell it.
7. Want to know a proven way a man and woman can be friends without s3x? Marriage.
8. What’s the difference between you and the refrigerator? The refrigerator doesn’t moan when I put my meat in it.
9. What’s the difference between a job and marriage? A job still sucks after 10 years.
10. What’s the difference between me/you and a mosquito? A mosquito will stop sucking once you slap it.
11.Why don’t witches wear underwear? Because they need a better grip.
12. Why do women talk so much and why do guys think so much? Because one has two lips and one has two heads.
13. Why are women like Popeye’s? Because once you’re done with the breast and thighs all you have is an empty box to put your bone-in.
14. Why does a woman prefer an old gynecologist over a new one? Because the old one has shaky hands.
15. What do a boyfriend and a spider have in common? Women always exaggerate how big it is.
16. What did one butt cheek say to the other? Together we can stop this sh*t.
17. What do a pizza delivery person and a gynecologist have in common? They can both smell it but can’t eat it.
18. Do you need a carpenter? Because I could nail you then hammer you.
19. What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? I want you inside me.
20. What rhymes with kick? Pick (dirty mind joke)
21. What do a good woman and a good bar have in common? Liquor in the front and poker in the back.
22. Dirty mind test: What starts with d and ends with ick? Drumstick.
23. What’s the best waterslide for kids? Your throat.
24. What is the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear and one’s a great year.
25. What’s white and 14 inches long? Nothing.
26. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Lickalotopus.
27. What do you call a nurse with dirty knees? The Head nurse
28. What do a gay man and an ambulance have in common? They both take it in the back and go “whoot whoot.”
29. Are you a coconut? I want to smash you until all the white stuff comes out.
30. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? Because his right hand caught on fire.
31. What’s long and hard and full of seamen? A submarine
32. What goes in hard and comes out soft and wet? Chewing gum.
33. What are 3 two letter words that mean small? Is it in?
34. What stays moist when you tie up its legs? A turkey.
35. What’s the difference between Covid and your legs? I don’t want Covid to spread.
36. What do a boyfriend/girlfriend and a math test have in common? They’re both something we could cheat on.
37. What do a lesbian and a mechanic have in common? They both use snap-on tools.
38. What’s the difference between you and a pair of glasses? Glasses seem to fit higher on my face.
39. Every man has one. It feels great when you blow it and if you’re not careful, it may drip. What is it? A nose.
40. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? She gagged.
41. What is Moby Dick’s father’s name? Papa Boner.
42. How do you spot a blind guy at a nude beach? It’s not hard.
43. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.
44. If a little person says your hair smells nice. Is that s3xual harassment?
45. What’s the difference between you and an egg? An egg gets laid.
46. What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say to clients as they’re leaving? Thanks for coming!
47. What do you do when you’re a man trapped in a woman’s body? You pull out.
48. What did the hooker’s right knee say to her left knee? We should get together more often.
49. What is the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? A zit will wait until you’re 12 to come on your face.
50. What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair.
51. What’s better than a cold Bud? A cold Busch?
52. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry her.
53. What do a near-sided gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.
54. What’s a woman’s favorite thing to put in her mouth? Top Ramen.
55. What’s the difference between a blonde and a washing machine? A washing machine doesn’t follow me home after I dump a load in it.
56. What’s the difference between a g spot and a golf ball? Men will search for a golf ball.
57. Knock Knock,
Who’s there?
Alpha.
Alpha Who?
Alpha Cure Mom.
58. What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cube have in common? The longer you play with it the harder it gets.
59. A dad tells his son “Stop masturbating! if you do it too long you will go blind.” The son replied “Dad, I’m over here.
60. What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? If we don’t get the proper support, people will think we’re nuts.
61. What did the police catch the naked man breaking into Zales? They grabbed him by the jewels.
62. What’s a lesbian’s love language? Speaking in tongue.
63. A woman walks out of the produce section with bad news. She changed the cucumber into a pickle.
64. What starts with the letter c and ends with t. Hairy on the outside and creamy on the inside? A coconut.
65. What do you do when a woman’s choking? Back up a few inches.
66. If a blonde girl says you have a big d___. She’s probably just pulling your leg.
67 What do you call two jalepeños getting it on? F**king hot.
68. Why do boys fart louder than girls? Because they have a microphone and two speakers.
69. What is 6 inches and leave white stuff all over your face? A toothbrush.
70. What are the 2 most important holes in a woman’s body? Her nostrils.
71. What’s the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.
72. What’s the difference between a peeping tom and a pickpocket? One snatches watches.
73. A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush.
74. Let’s play carpenter! First, we’ll get hammered, then I’ll nail you.
75. What do your girlfriend and a pool have in common? They both cost a lot of money for the amount of time you’re inside them.
76. What does a robot do after a one-night stand. Nuts and bolts.
77. What belongs to used but gets used by everyone else more than you? Your name.
78. What’s white and sticky and better to spit out than to swallow? Toothpaste.
79. Did you hear about the guy who dipped his balls in glitter? Pretty nuts!
80. What do you call a herd of cows pleasuring themselves? Beef strokin’ off!
81. An old lady goes to the dentist, sits down, drops underwear and lifts her legs.
Dentist: “I’m not a gynecologist!”
Old Lady: “I know, I need my husband’s teeth back.”
82. Have you heard about the constipated accountant? He used paper and pencil to budget.
83. Why did Mrs. Claus want to divorce Santa Claus? Because Santa only comes once a year!
84. What are three words in the English language no one wants to say or hear? “Is it in?”
Some dirty jokes from comedians
“I didn’t have sex at all, not a scrap til I was 67. And that was cos I’d no small change for the window cleaner.” – Victoria Wood
“Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, ‘Yes, who did you think it was?’” – Jimmy Carr
“You never know where to look when eating a banana.” – Peter Kay
“If they’re making cakes for divorces, why not ‘Happy Menopause!’ ‘Mmm, it’s a bit dry. Why is there no jam? Have you run out of eggs?’ – Russell Howard
“The only thing I can offer to put ladies at ease is that I am of no sexual threat whatsoever. I’m 42 years of age, I literally have to hit it with nettles. Sex with me these days is akin to thumbing marshmallows into the anus of a cat.” – Greg Davies
“Looking at my penis, I find it endlessly fascinating. It’s 46 years old, my penis. 46! It’s older than the Sydney Opera House, my penis!” – Rhod Gilbert
“I accidentally filled the Escort with diesel. She died.” – Gary Delaney
“I’ve never laughed a woman in to bed, but I’ve laughed one out of bed many times.” – Jack Whitehall
“People think I hate sex. I don’t. I just don’t like things that stop you from seeing the television properly.” – Victoria Wood
“I’ve got a boyfriend at the moment. Sometimes he’s there and sometimes he’s not. I prefer it when he’s not. Sex is a lot quicker.” – Sarah Millican
“I don’t like my boyfriend watching pornography. I do think it’s kind of a form of infidelity, because he’ll be imagining himself having sex with other women, and I don’t understand why he needs to watch it when I draw him such great vaginas.” – Sara Pascoe
“Mr Circumcision refused his knighthood.” – Rob Carter
[On The Big Fat Quiz of the Year] “I’ve answered at tedious length. ‘Tedious Length’ is also my porn name.” – David Mitchell
“They say one in ten people want a sex toy for Christmas, and that’s a lie, isn’t it? You open presents in front of your family! Who’s there going, ‘What have you got, Nan? A b**t plug? Same here!” – Russell Howard
“I’m very old now and I’ve got a body like a dropped lasagne. Women now look at my naked body in the same fearful way that pensioners look at snow.” – Frankie Boyle
“I thought Coq au Vin was love in a lorry.” – Victoria Wood
“Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with, ‘I can’t talk now, I’m going into a tunnel.’” – Jimmy Carr
“I went to the zoo to watch the monkeys w***ing. Then I went to watch the crocodiles. I was still w***ing.” – Gary Delaney
“Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.” – Billy Connolly
“Sex is like playing Bridge – if you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.” – Peter Kay
“You should only have sex with a famous person if you really, really genuinely want to tell people about it afterwards.” – Sara Pascoe
“The annoying thing about Christmas is running out of batteries because the kids want them for their toys. I’m sorry, but if Christmas is coming – so am I.” – Sarah Millican
“A Christian friend of mine said that sex between two men is wrong in their eyes. I said, ‘You’re right, it’s supposed to be up the bum!’” – Gary Delaney
“Las Vegas and Glasgow have a lot in common: they’re the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips.” – Frankie Boyle
“One sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears. Personally, I think it’s b***ocks.” – Billy Connolly
“What do you call a video of two toads having sex? Frogspawn.” – David Ephgrave
“I went to buy a Christmas tree. The guy goes, ‘So you can put it up yourself?’ I said, ‘No, I was thinking the living room.” – Gary Delaney
“I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at the World Cup – just happy to be there.” – Russell Howard
“Not all sexual experiences have to be filled with anger. Just all in my experience.” – David Mitchell
“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.” – Jimmy Carr
“Animals don’t watch porn do they? Unless you include my cat.” – Frankie Boyle
“From what I understand about child birth, it changes you ‘downstairs’. I like my downstairs the way it is thank you very much. I certainly don’t need an extension.” – Sarah Millican
“Foreplay is like beefburgers – three minutes on each side.” – Victoria Wood
“Do I believe in safe sex? Of course I do. I have a handrail around the bed.” – Ken Dodd
“Better sexy and racy, than sexist and racist.” – Stephen Fry
“When I was 11, my mum gave me a lecture about cunnilingus. I look back as an adult and I think, ‘Oh, she obviously wanted to empower me to find my own pleasure.’ It had the exact opposite effect – there is no way you can enjoy yourself with a man between your legs if you’re thinking, ‘Hmm, Mum’d be proud.’” – Sara Pascoe
“I’m going out with an English teacher, which is a bit awkward because she keeps correcting my grammar during sex. She’s particularly annoyed at my improper use of the colon.” – Gary Delaney
“As a teenager I was confused that there was lots of different words for ‘sex’. I thought each of the words for ‘sex’ meant something distinct. I thought there were many more different kinds of sex things that I was going to have to get my head around before I became an adult. But then I realised that most of them referred to the same sort of basic penis penetration stuff. And that’s how I came to understand the richness of the English language.” – David Mitchell
“If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?” – Billy Connolly
In conclusion, we present an array of humor that delves into the realm of naughtiness and innuendo. With our collection of dirty jokes, we aim to provide laughter and entertainment for those who appreciate such humor.